Spock, you’re going to love it here. They all talk just the way you do.
Module BI-04T: Androids, Synthetics And Other Artificial Lifeforms
I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but remember this phrase: Where androids appear, humanoids kick-the-bucket. Sound extreme? I wish it were. In example after example, the hopeless and untimely demise of a civilization is almost certainly marked by the creation and moronically prevalent use of androids. Whether referred to as robots, synthetic organisms, artificial lifeforms, replicants, or any other designation as myriad as the imbecilic humanoids who created them, they are the evolutionary extinction of organic sentient beings everywhere.
Here’s another axiom: survival of the fittest. In a Darwinian universe androids win every time. If you are a mad scientist and you truly want our species to evolve to snooty omnipotent omniscience never, ever invent these synthetic grim reapers. If some dangerously naive scientist-like friend of yours, such as Noonien Soong, makes one, keep the assembly line count to one. And only one. For instance, Lore, deactivated; Data, sadly, no longer with us; and B4, I have no words. My sage advice unavailable to them, the now defunct civilizations in the following examples never had a chance.
Captain James Kirk and crew were minding their own business when an andy named Norman confiscated the Enterprise, then deactivated himself until they reached an especially uncharted planet. And who would be waiting for them on the surface but none other than the duplicitous scallywag Harry Mudd? A liar, thief, braggart and male-order-bride salesman. He escaped charges for fraudulently selling Vulcan fuel synthesizer rights to the Denebians. And further proving to be serially unlucky, Mudd found over two hundred thousand happy-go-lucky mechanical servants, just waiting for him. They provided for his every need, except the freedom to move about the galaxy. So Mudd encouraged them to find new captives. And, of course, they found the perennially unlucky Enterprise crew.
The sycophantic synthetics were ecstatic with their find. And to keep their prime samples entertained and docile, Norman promised them, too, anything they desired. And it was impressive. Virtual immortality, everlasting beauty, a science lab that Dr. McCoy would kill for, engineering facilities that far outshone Starfleet’s and last, but certainly not least, lovebots. It took Kirk’s Herculean effort to keep the crew’s greedy little fingers from seizing these goodies. In addition, Mudd’s scandalous behavior thoroughly convinced these bad robots that organics were too corrupt to wonder the cosmos without adult synthetic supervision.
Kirk wisely deduced the androids’ fatal flaw in their supremely logical deductions about Mudd. Observing Alice 471’s befuddlement at his fanatical fondness for his ship, he inclusively explained that it was “a beautiful lady, and we love her.” A sound Kirk-analogy. “Illogical. All units relate. Norman, co-ordinate.,” she cried before defaulting to, “We must study this,” and leaving. Yes, this was their way out of that service-oriented hell. Not logic but illogic. So, the lunacy loops began.
“We are not programmed to respond in that area,” the crew chanted, mimicking the servile automatons. They then sent them spinning with imaginary logic bombs. But Norman was smarter than the average program. He demanded an explanation for the sanatorium satires. “Everything Harry tells you is a lie,” Kirk informed him. “Listen to this carefully, Norman. I am lying.” Mudd confirmed. Norman blubbered, “You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie. Illogical! Please explain!” Needless to say, Norman crashed.
So they defeated the chip-driven bootlickers but what to do with Harry Mudd? Inexplicably, Mudd made replicas of his abandoned spouse, Stella, and they weren’t Stepford wives. A major Mudd-miscalculation because Kirk can be a very cruel and comedic man. A thoroughly wicked combination. He commissioned five hundred “Stellas”. And left the poor, deserving man, hopefully permanently, in the loving care of her cybernetic arms. However, Kirk’s next encounter included rough-and-ready biker androids, the worst breed the galaxy had to offer and beyond redemption. Logic was of little consequence to them. Just an afterthought to explain the lethal use-of-force. Only something a lot meaner than logic bombs could defeat these transistor-powered thugs.
Like Nurse Chapel, who was looking forward to reuniting with her famously-genius beau, Dr. Roger Korby. She believed he still lived in the caverns of a frozen desolate planet. Being a medical-archeology prodigy led him there attempting to outshine his previous amazing find. But things didn’t go well. He was the sole survivor of mishap. His legs frozen by the planet’s hundred-below temperatures he was rescued by the only indigenous resident. Ruk.
Ruk was quite possibly the ugliest android ever created and spent centuries lamenting this tragedy. Thankfully, rescuing Dr. Korby gave him a brief respite from his suffering and happily he repaired Korby’s injuries. With the left-over technology of the Old Ones, he made Korby replicas of his long lost friends to prevent ugly-android inspired insanity. As a bonus, he even made Andrea for him, a fembot with rollercoaster curves. A pure sex machine.
At some point, Kirk and Chapel finally sought Korby in the caverns. Unfortunately, their security personnel did not properly disguise their horror at Ruk’s appearance, so he threw them off a cliff. Thankfully, Korby’s assistant, Dr. Brown, found them in time. He took them to Korby who didn’t care about the security guards’ cliff-dives, but did enjoy passionately kissing Chapel. He was also excited about a nifty discovery. The ability to transfer human consciousness into an immortal android body.
But Kirk and Chapel were not properly impressed. Been there, done that. Yet, despite their lackluster response, Korby insisted on hiding the discovery from the Enterprise crew until their enthusiasm level went up. He should have hidden Andrea too. When Chapel met Andrea, she gave Korby the eye. “You think I could love a machine?” he asked. “Did you?” she sensibly responded. “Andrea’s incapable of that,” Korby insisted. Sure, Dr. Korby, sure.
It wasn’t until Korby transferred Kirk’s macho essence into a duplicate in his android-making machine that they showed any gratuitous emotions at all. Kirk didn’t want to romantically compete with a single version of himself anywhere in the galaxy, and Chapel found the prospect of another Andrea unthinkable. Fortunately, Kirk sent a cryptic message to Mr. Spock through his defective duplicate. “Mind your own business, Mister Spock. I’m sick of your half-breed interference.”
Strangely, Spock caught on immediately and mounted a rescue mission. But before he could examine one of the greatest scientific finds of their time, the android Ruk, Korby saw his opportunity and terminated his hideous existence. However, minus Ruk’s dreadful demeanor, he found Andrea’s excessive beauty without meaning and superfluous. And because he couldn’t arouse Chapel’s interest anymore when she saw that he too was a synthetic man, he lost all hope. So, Andrea’s out-of-left-field smack on his lips was bathed in the glow of glorious phaser fire.
In this last example, Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres of Voyager came across a relatively nondescript robot. It made the historical tin man seem florid in detail by comparison. Its designation was Automated Personnel Unit 3947. After finding it damaged, Torres modified its power module to accept Voyager’s warp plasma. Then after a lively discussion with 3947 about robotic procreation, Torres ran to Captain Kathryn Janeway seeking permission to help 3947 get freaky.
Explaining to Janeway that even though 3947’s people precisely duplicated power module circuitry, they couldn’t get the darn things to work. So they couldn’t make baby androids. But Janeway was in no mood to violate the Prime Directive this time. “…the answer is no.” But 3947, resembling a human male right down to his circuit board, wouldn’t take no for an answer. After firing a palm-beam (every android’s response to rejection), he stunned Torres into senselessness and escaped.
Back aboard his brothers’ ship, his cyber-superior demanded that Torres succeed in making working power modules or die. So, Torres quickly created a module without a unique energy signature to work uniformly for all androids. Turned out to be a bad move though. When the android’s enemies showed up (far less jovial than 3947) she discovered the robot makers, the Builders, never ended a war. Why? “They intended to terminate us. In doing so, they became the enemy. We are programmed to destroy the enemy,” 3947 said. Roger that.
Torres realized she made a grave error. After Automated Personnel Unit 0001 came to life she gently greeted it by plunging a sharp piercing instrument deep within its metal chest cavity. Fortunately, Voyager’s crew beamed her back before 3947 could get its cold metallic fingers around her neck. Then Janeway got the hell out of there. So, what have we learned here? Utilizing artificial lifeforms, with all its advantages, is a calamity waiting to happen. Where androids appear, catastrophe is soon to follow. So, crazy scientists keep the count to one. And only one.
Kandel, Stephen. “I. Mudd.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 3 November 1967. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/I,_Mudd_(episode)
Bloch, Robert. “What Are Little Girls Made Of.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 20 October 1966. Television. Retrieved: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_Are_Little_Girls_Made_Of%3F
Corea, Nicholas “Prototype.” Star Trek: Voyager. Paramount Television. 15 January 1996. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Prototype_(episode)