You’re married to your career, and you never look at another woman.
Well, if she’s pretty enough, I’ll look.
– Deela and Kirk
Module BI-05V: Alien Tears And Other Romantic Hazards
So let’s say you’ve been traveling a while and haven’t encountered any especially dire threats for some time. Feeling recklessly safe and secure, your imagination begins to wonder. Then a naughty (or terrifyingly lonely) alien comes along and you think what the heck. You only live once. Stop right there. Aliens are not like you. Not only that, incredibly, sometimes their orifices are in all the wrong places. And even if anatomically correct by human standards, there may be other hidden dangers of which you are completely unaware. So take a lucid moment, before getting all hot and bothered, to learn the sexual practices of alien lifeforms who may try to make your romantic acquaintance.
Case in point, the crew of the starship Enterprise were inexplicably having one of those rare occasions when they were not in immediate peril. Enlisted for ambassadorial services, they reluctantly welcomed aboard Elaan, the Dohlman of Elas. Spoiled rotten, vicious, unmannered, and capable of eating like a savage Tribble, she impressed Captain James T. Kirk, nevertheless.
Though scheduled to marry royalty from planet Troyius, Elaan didn’t want to marry that Troyian pig (her words, not mine). She’d rather die. For some reason, the “we-don’t-care” Elasian/Troyian joint-council employed, Petri, a Troyian ambassador, to help Elaan get over her idiosyncrasies and, of course, she stabbed the swine. When it was Kirk’s turn to tame the shrew, he proved more agile than Petri and his head successfully maneuvered through the knife-throwing event.
Outraged that she missed, Elaan activated yet another tactic. With subtle ingenuity, she deviously sent tears slithering down her face. “I just want people to like me,” she sighed. And Kirk fell for it. Regrettably, Elasian tears are something to be feared. As he wiped the toxic moisture from her face, almost immediately a wicked infatuation possessed him and they made obsessive love together. She held him, love-slave-bound, from that moment forward.
But, providentially for Kirk, intrigue was afoot. A deluded Elasian bodyguard conspired with the Klingons to stop the slasher’s wedding because he too foolishly loved her. He sabotaged the Enterprise to explode in a confrontation with the Klingons. Yet, Good Ole Scotty discovered the love-sick puppy’s tinkering in time to stop the pyrotechnics, but the puppy damaged their dilithium crystal converter. Confiscating Elaan’s magic crystal necklace for calling him an engineering menial, he summoned enough photon torpedoes to send the Klingon warship finally limping home.
And fortuitously, the sheer genius of Dr. Leonard McCoy synthesized an antidote for the elixir of sexual servitude. But Kirk no longer needed it. His cure was the Enterprise, and there was no counteragent for his slavish devotion to his ship. And though the excruciatingly monogamous men of Elas tried desperately to find an antitoxin for centuries, this remedy for their enforced morality was withheld. Kirk wanted vengeance for their tampering with his ship. So, gratified with his retribution, he rediscovered his intestinal fortitude and skillfully resisted the Dohlman’s plea to kill every Troyian pig in existence and rule in blood-lust by her side. Thus, ended the Saga of Kirk and the Queen of the Knives.
But Kirk could not escape the arms of his next romantic adventuress so easily. Responding to a distress call, Kirk and crew beamed into the midst of an extraordinary city of beautiful architecture. They were enjoying the view until Ensign Compton ruined it by disappearing before their very eyes. Their brief respite kaput, they scurried back up to the ship and started investigating. But before getting very far, they discovered a device made of tin foil percolating in environmental engineering. What the blazes! Turns out the Scalosians, invisible and invincible, beamed aboard with them and were turning the Enterprise into a “giant deep freeze.” Known today as cryogenic stasis. They were planning to freeze the crew in order to save them later for mating snacks.
Still unaware of the Scalosians devious plan, Kirk felt something touch him. He didn’t seem to mind it originally, but because it was too subtle, he started getting annoyed. Eventually, he had a cup of coffee to really stimulate him properly, but the java juice had an unpredictable side effect. It made him disappear. Lieutenant Uhura was shocked. She told Spock that Kirk disappeared after drinking the coffee but adamantly denied making it. He took her word for it and analyzed the mysterious trickster brew to see just how awful it truly was.
Meanwhile, Kirk met the originator of his body massages, Deela, Queen of the Scalosians. She admitted to feeling him up and said it would be so much nicer now that he was there (promises, promises). And because her lover, Rael, was inadequate for the task, she kissed Kirk passionately. That’s when Kirk said something we’re unaccustomed to hearing him say after such a long and gratuitous kiss. “Who are you?” After identifying herself, she explained that she dropped radioactive waste water into his coffee to accelerate him, making him like her, moving faster than the wink of an eye.
Kirk didn’t much mind the radiation poisoning since it included copious groping until she informed him he couldn’t go back. When he witnessed the vanishing Ensign Compton’s accelerated-aging act from Rael-inflicted injuries, he really wanted to go back. But Deela insisted it was impossible. Her people had been trying to find a cure for who knows how long. Why does this sound familiar?
In addition, (there was more?) the Scalosians had to mate with aliens to survive since their accelerated state also rendered them infertile. (Because of all that fast sex, you understand.) Despite the fact that Rael was lurking around, Kirk hopped into bed with Deela readily, especially upon hearing she was sterile. No worries now about accelerated spawn.
Meanwhile, the frigid Spock was busily trying to find a way to counter the effects of the fast-acting sterility radiation. Somebody had to be sensible. After McCoy once again synthesized a cure, Spock accelerated himself, rescued Kirk (probably too soon), and saved the ship from freezing to death. Then with the Scalosians beamed safely back to their lust-less planet, they all breathed a sigh of relief. And to protect other Starfleet randy personnel from becoming the playthings of these accelerated lovers, Scalos is now eternally quarantined. They should be just about extinct by now.
Now Kirk may have been irresponsible for jumping into bed with every alien hellion that came along, but he wasn’t foolhardy enough to get himself into real trouble. Unlike Commander Charles Tucker III. In a fine example of why alien love can be hazardous, the crew of the Enterprise NX-01 uncovered a stealth Xyrillian ship sucking up the plasma exhaust of their warp wake. Explaining that their warp reactor was in need of repair, the Xyrillians apologized profusely.
Captain Jonathan Archer, being a good lad, offered their assistance and deployed the ever vulnerable Commander Tucker. Tucker initially was having a ball aboard the alien ship. Experiencing their version of a holodeck and playing extrasensory footsie with the attractive alien engineer, Ah’len. But something happened while he was in foreplay fantasyland wiggling his fingers in telepathic granules.
A growth appeared on his wrist upon his return. Not too concerned, he went to sickbay to see Dr. Phlox. It was a nipple. What was a nipple? The growth on his wrist was a nipple. Dr. Phlox scanned him further. He was pregnant. Yes, that alien beauty knocked him up real good. And for the first time Tucker made the history books. The first interspecies pregnancy involving a clueless human, and the first human male impregnated by female thought-sperm. Now that’s embarrassing. He tried to explain just what he had been up to on that alien ship. “I swear, Cap’ in, nothing happened!” he exclaimed. (Wait for it.) “Well… there was that box of pebbles.”
When they finally caught up with the Xyrillians again, Ah’len apologized. Though the sneaky engineer knew that the exchange of subliminal carnal thoughts was a reproductive act, she didn’t think it would work with another species. That was her story and she was sticking to it. Luckily for Tucker, the Xyrillians transported his fetus to incubate aboard their ship and saved him from the first interspecies shot-gun wedding in galactic history. Tucker swore he’d never touch a pretty alien’s glistening pebbles again. (At least, not without protection.)
Now that you understand the repercussions of not keeping your hands down and your shirt tucked in, you may now freely engage in interstellar flight. Of course, there are more lessons to learn concerning the devastating effects of extra-terrestrial love in space. But, hopefully, a glimpse of these frightening alien erotic practices will help keep your romantic history free from embarrassing and, perhaps, lasting harm. That is, if you want it to.
“A man whose flesh is once touched by the tears of a woman of Elas has his heart enslaved forever.”
— Trainer367 (@Startrekbible) September 15, 2016
Lucas, John Meredyth. “Elaan of Troyius.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 20 December 1968. Television. Retrieved: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elaan_of_Troyius
Lee, Cronin. Heinemann, Arthur. “Wink of an Eye.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 29 November 1968. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Wink_of_an_Eye_(episode)
Braga, Brannon. Berman, Rick “Unexpected.” Star Trek: Enterprise. Paramount Television. 17 October 2001. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Unexpected_(episode)